Richard Zowie: My 'Life'
By Richard "Slick Rick" Zowie
Autobiographies seem to be popular these days. Former President Bill Clinton's autobiography My Life is now in stores. The book is so heavy that some stores reportedly had copies brought delivered with a skyscraper crane.
Since Clinton wrote about himself, I thought I should follow suit and write my own autobiography. I've had a fairly boring life, so I've thrown in some fictional events to liven things up.
Richard Zowie: My "Life"
An Authorized Autobiography
I was born on February 6, 2021 in West Monroe, Louisiana. This Louisiana, though, is actually a country on the planet Ultron, which is in the same solar system as that of Krypton. In fact, as luck would have it, Kal-El (a.k.a. Clark Kent, a.k.a. Superman) is actually my cousin. Growing up, I would use my heat ray vision to earn extra money by helping folks get their barbecues started (charcoal doesn't exist on Ultron). However, the Ultronian council told me this was an abuse of my powers. They stripped me of my super hero abilities and banished me off the planet in a phantom chamber borrowed from Krypton.
My real name, by the way, is Khrsh1984.zpr-El. I can't explain what this name means since Ultronian doesn't translate into English very well. Anyway, I was in the phantom chamber when I got caught in a wormhole and sent through time to a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Finally, this nice man in a black outfit rescued me. His voice was ominous, and he offered to restore my powers if I joined up with him. "If only you knew the power of the dark side of the force," was his key selling point.
I agreed, and he gave me my own laser blaster, a purple light saber (I wanted blue but they were out of stock) and my own Millennium Chicken spacecraft. As a bonus, he also gave me a pocket fisherman and stock options in the Death Star.
When I heard Darth's details of what he wanted to do (killing some buy named "Skyrunner", his exact name escapes me), I decided to leave that galaxy via the wormhole.
When I came out of it, I found myself in this solar system. It's pretty interesting so far. Deciding that Khrsh1984.zpr-El was just too strange of a name, I decided to take a perfectly normal one-Richard Zowie.
Since arriving here on earth 10 years ago, I've done many things. For one thing, I was able to use my super powers to save the earth and destroy this threatening alien race that bled acid. I also used my astronomical intelligence to design an aerosol repellant that wards off the menacing Klingon threat. You've probably heard of the spray, it's called Kling-Off. It's not sold in any store but can be yours for four easy payments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling (VISA and MasterCard accepted).
Since then, I've decided to retire from the superhero business and settle in south Texas. I've always liked to write, so I decided to become a writer. One day I went to the University of Texas library and, in a single hour, read every single textbook used for an undergraduate, graduate and doctoral degrees in journalism, English and creative writing. Acquiring that much knowledge that quickly is sort of like eating a gallon of ice cream in five seconds. Exhilarating, but somewhat painful also.
Still, though I work as a reporter and dabble into fiction and real science fiction (as an alien, I can honestly say that much science fiction today is very unrealistic), I still do superhero work part time. The Texas heat makes it a bit uncomfortable since sometimes the suit doesn't always fit well under my outer clothes. Besides, the geniuses on Ultron decided that polyester works well as a fabric. Here it only works if we have a 1970s dress day in the office.
In the future, I may run for politics. I've already got a campaign slogan-Out of This World. And with my superpowers and ability to travel back through time and change events, dealing with scandals should be easier than dealing with a five-headed, fire-breathing zyxnoid.
My wife, Jennifer, and I will celebrate our seventh wedding anniversary today. At first, she was hesitant to marry an alien, but she seems to handle it well now. As for my sons, they still think I'm kidding when I tell them I'm from outer space (or that they are half-alien).
Richard Zowie is a reporter and columnist for the Times Guardian. The above column was for entertainment purposes only. Send comments to email@example.com and include your phone number if you want your comments published.